I wrote this April 22, 2007.
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What a topic this is. For me, it came down to two things: identity crisis and finding support.
For me, the major thing was figuring out who I was if I wasn’t working. So much of my identity was tied up in my job: my title, my cute clothes (not covered in snot, play dough, and sand), all of it. It was hard because even though I wanted to be a SAHM, I did not have very positive images of “mommyhood” in my brain. But, I really got to know myself better. Who was I when I wasn’t working? The fact was, when you are working 40+ hours a week and commuting almost two hours a day plus trying to work out since I was in front of a computer all day, there wasn’t a lot of time for hobbies. I did like to cook and being a mom, driven by a desire to provide healthy meals, enabled me to have more time to do that… although it took me 5 times as long to complete anything. I also realized that I loved gardening. I also started working out more and enjoyed the energy, strength, and lean body that resulted. And, for the first time since college, by being a SAHM, I made friends. Real friends. Friends who I had common interests and life perspectives which is completely different than the people you go to lunch with at work just because they are nice and it’s convenient.
Finding support is surprisingly easy. There are a lot of groups out there though so it’s just finding them. The internet is an amazing tool. YahooGroups are incredible and through a quick query of some of your hobbies, parenting styles/choices, etc, you will find a ton of groups of mommies who think the same way as you. I personally subscribe to several YahooGroups for attachment parenting (AP), childbirth choice (pro-midwifery and ICAN), AP families who like outdoor activities (camping, hiking, etc), homeschooling groups… I’ve meet a lot of great people.
If you go to Google and type in . . .
mommy support groups
. . . you will get a ton of results. Add your city/county/state to your query to narrow your results.
If you breastfeed or pump, La Leche League is a great way to connect with like-minded moms. In fact, I recommend going when you are pregnant because, if you are like a lot of moms, you will have some problems breastfeeding and will need some evidence-based information and it’s nice to have that connection already lined up. They also have on-line discussion boards which are worth checking out.
The Mothering boards is also another great way to find “crunchy” moms in your area. I also highly recommend their magazine. There is nothing else like it for the crunchy mom.
Moxie Moms is a national, chapter-based organization which focuses on fitness. I have no personal experience with this group, but I love the idea!
MOMS Club is another national, chapter-based organization which focuses on stay-at-home moms. Due to their strict boundary policy, you may not be able to join a local chapter and rather be asked to start your own. Volunteering to be on the board of your local chapter can turn into a huge time commitment on par with a part-time job, however, this varies greatly depending on the chapter.
I’ve heard great things about Mothers and More although, since they cater to working as well as SAHM moms, I’ve heard that their meetings are primarily at night, though I suspect that this varies by chapter, so if you are SAHMing, you might need to find more mommies who are home during the day.
I highly recommend joining a gym that has a Kids Klub. I love LA Fitness. For $15/month plus my membership fees, I can go to the gym daily with my daughter in the Kids Klub. It keeps my sane, fit and it’s my “alone time.” I read or listen to music while working out and it really keeps me emotionally and physically on track.
If you are interested in childbirth choice, whether than is preventing an initial unnecessary c-section, obtaining evidence-based information on VBAC, or connecting with women to get post c-section support, ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) is an incredibly educated group of women. They do have local chapters as well as an email support group. Check them out.
If you are a Christian mom, MOPS is worth checking out – support for mommies with the Jesus twist! I did try out MOPS, but my closest chapter was 25 miles away and in Southern California traffic, that can be a trek! Also, check out your local church for a women’s bible group or mommy social group.
Finally, if you can’t find a group of moms close to you, start your own. I know it sounds scary, but I’ll give you the step by step! I did and it’s been an incredible success. After less than a year, I have 34 members in my “Group of Mommy Friends.” It’s been a blast.
- Create a YahooGroup that is not included in the YahooGroup directory. It other words, it’s private and people are added by invitation only. Once people communicate with me and attend an activity, they are added to the group. This ensures that Maria, mom of two, is really not Phil the pedophile. The group has worked great and the internet component enables people to get to know each other before they met IRL (in real life) which makes communication and connection easier than when we are at the park with our kids going bonkers.
- Create free business cards through VistaPrint.com or a similar on-line printer and carry them in your purse. When you meet moms at the grocery store, library, gym, park, you can give them a card. When you create a YahooGroup, you, as the administrator, get an email address through YahooGroups which is automatically forwarded to your personal email address. Include this address on your business cards so your personal email or phone number is not out there. Once you get a few members, word of mouth will bring more. It might take a while to find mommies, but they are out there! You are providing an incredible service and just stick with it.
- Plan a fun calendar! I find some activities in Sunset Magazine
and craft books for preschoolers. Based on the interests of your group, you can have luncheons, parties, beach days, Disneyland days, camping weekends, a preschool co-op, swap babysitting, craft days, book clubs, cooking clubs, dinner clubs, storytime, Bible Study, weight loss support, exercise groups, couples night, weekend activities, moms night out, playdates by age or interest, park days, and free days at local museums/botanical gardens. Moms Night Out can be simple: coffee, dinner, dessert, bowling, hang out in a member’s backyard spa, get pedicures, whatever. Encourage your members to suggest activities and even add them to the calendar. This a great way to create a sense of ownership within your group and increase participation.
- One of my major tenants is this: The group is here to support, not obligate. Just because there are three activities planned this week doesn’t mean everyone is obligated to go to everything. Take what you want, and leave the rest. We are moms, we are busy, and we don’t need one more thing on our to do list… we need fun, we need friends, and we want our kids to make friends. It really doesn’t need to be more complicated than that!
- Also, recognize that everyone has a different need in terms of the level and kind of support they are looking for. Some people really enjoy the email conversations whereas others will feel more supported when they meet mommies face-to-face while others will only come to moms’ night out activities. Your group is not a failure if only 2 people show up to an activity. Those are two moms who needed support that day, and you are providing the venue for that support. That makes that activity a success. Plus, when fewer people show up, people are willing to open up more, share more, and really make connections.
It’s hard to believe that I’ve been “retired” for three years, but I am so thankful for this phase of my life. My daughter is such a blessing and the friends that I’ve made the last few years have been invaluable and a life-saver. I hope you are able to find support, and even friends, and enjoy this phase of motherhood.
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