Tag Archives: loss moms

When you are the statistic: Uterine rupture loss

Above: “I donated my wedding dress to be made into gowns for deceased infants to be buried in. I had pictures done in my dress before I donated it. This is one of my favorites.” – Kaila Flory

Kaila Flory lost her baby to a uterine rupture eight months ago. She recently reached out to me and gave me permission to share her story and pictures of her son Beau.  She is currently raising money to purchase Cuddle Cots in Beau’s memory. Cuddle Cots are refrigerated bassinets that enable loss parents to spend more time with their child. While t-shirt sales end on April 22, 2016 at midnight EST, you can donate anytime. Even just $10 will get her closer to her goal. Buy a t-shirt and/or donate here.  Connect with her Facebook page here

Women who have had uterine ruptures and lost their babies have endured some of our greatest fears. But they are part of our community as well. When the VBAC Facts Community, a Facebook group, was open to the public, we welcomed and embraced the parents who joined us after their loss. Often they felt like they were no longer part of the birth community. They didn’t know where they fit in. They felt isolated and yet they wanted to share their story. We had many loss moms as members and many parents who were planning VBACs wanted to hear their stories.

What follows is Kaila’s story.

Kaila’s Flory’s first son was born by cesarean after being induced for intrauterine growth restriction. When she was 38 weeks and a few days pregnant with her second son, 26-year-old Kaila started having cramps around 1 a.m. “Luckily I had stayed with my dad, so I was not alone with my 3 year old. My husband was at Basic Training. Then a contraction came. Ok, I thought, this is real. It’s time. Then another came. It had only been like a minute or 2. Then severe pain came over my abdomen, and my face and limbs went numb.”

Her father called the paramedics and she was rushed to the hospital, where a STAT c-section was ordered. She nearly bled to death.

Beau-&-Kaila

“This is the only photo I have of myself holding him. I requested people to not take my photo, but I am so glad my best friend took this with her phone. THIS is what raw, real pain looks like. This is why I want people to have Infant Loss Awareness.”

She says:

While I wholeheartedly believe that women should be given the option for VBACs, I also believe women need to consider their child’s health as the most important in this situation. I would have loved to have 3 weeks of pain just to have my son in my arms. I know it is not my fault, and that they do not, normally, schedule a c-section until 39 weeks, but part of me still feels guilty.

When Kaila contacted me, my heart broke. I emailed her back:

Kaila,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I am so sorry about your loss.

I want you to know that I hear you. I really hear you.

I talk quite a bit about how these small numbers represent real women and real babies and it doesn’t matter how small the risk is, if it happens to you, if you are that number, it’s devastating.

The difficulty is that there are serious risks both ways. With VBAC, we have uterine rupture. With repeat cesareans, we have accreta.

Accreta results in more maternal deaths, more maternal complications and comparable infant deaths and complications to uterine rupture. Accreta requires a more sophisticated response of which many hospitals are unable to offer which results in more deaths and complications. Many women are never told about the risks of accreta which prohibits them from making an informed decision. [View my sources and read more about accreta here.]

I discuss uterine rupture and accreta extensively in my workshops including how often it happens, variables that can impact the rate, and outcomes for mother and baby because there is so much confusion about where the risk lies and what could happen.

The other difficulty is that no can predict how an individual birth will play out. Will you be the one to have a uterine rupture? An accreta? And in either of these situations, will you be the one to lose your baby? Or will you have a safe VBAC or repeat cesarean with a healthy mom and baby? There are no guarantees in life and no crystal balls.

Some women who lose their babies to uterine rupture say, “Don’t plan VBACs.”

Some women who lose their babies to accreta say, “I wish I had access to VBAC.”

So the question is, if there are serious complications either way, who should make the decision on how to birth?

It always comes down to the mother.

Given the small chance of a bad outcome, women should have the option to decide what set of risks and benefits are tolerable to them. They should not be forced into cesareans or mislead into VBACs. This needs to be their decision based on information. Part of the reason why I started VBAC Facts is that I, as a consumer, wanted more information and it wasn’t easy for me to find.

To bring it full circle, I hear you.

Have you had the opportunity to connect with other loss moms? I have compiled a resource page here.

I know it may ring hollow, but you are not to blame. Sometimes things happen that we cannot predict and that are outside of our control and I’m so very sorry you were the statistic.

I’ll keep you in my heart Kaila. <3

Warmly,

Jen

Kaila replied:

I will be honest with you, my doctor did not mention accreta once. Wow that is scary too. 🙁 I don’t wish that or a rupture on anyone. Thank you so much for responding to me. And thank you for advising women on what to do after a C-section. If you ever want to use my story, please let me know. I would be happy to share it for statistic purposes. Thanks so much! 🙂

So I’m sharing Kaila’s story today. As I said in my email to her, I talk about the risks of uterine rupture and accreta in my workshops because they are both real risks on either side of the equation. Sadly, a small number of people will experience this reality, and they deserve our support and compassion.

I do hope you will support Kaila’s Cuddle Cots fundraiser. Even just $10 will get her closer to her goal. Donate here. Connect with her Facebook page here.

Learn more about Infant Loss Awareness here.

Resources for processing traumatic births and losses

A dear woman contacted me.  15 months after her cesarean, it was still hard for her to read my posts without crying.  This simply broke my heart.  She is not alone.  There are many women who carry the grief and pain of their traumatic vaginal or cesarean births or the loss of their baby.  Every. Day.

So I asked on Facebook for resources for women who are in the midst of the processing and grieving.  Here is the list.  If you know of more, whether they are on-line or in person groups, for free or a fee, please leave a comment.

None of these groups or individuals have been checked out or endorsed by VBAC Facts.  This is simply a list of resources for you to check out.

It saddens me to say this but there are individuals and groups who find and share the stories of loss moms in order to berate them.  Please be careful when sharing information on the internet as anything you post on-line can be easily shared with others outside your closed/private internet group.  There is no such thing as privacy on the internet.  Being anonymous and not providing your home address or identifying information are ways to get around this.

_____________________

Stillbirthday has a comprehensive list of immediate resources (like crisis hotlines, books, and websites) and long term resources (like workshops and retreats.)

There are support groups for women who have experienced uterine rupture. Here is a list: http://www.honoredbabies.org/resource-center/grief-support.htm

I know there is one local to me (Renfrew county, Ontario, Canada) but it’s not available through the Internet.

Solace for Mothers

Barbara-ann Horner: I volunteer for Postpartum Support International and most moms who call experience a traumatic birth message me i can find more resources or chat if you’d like

ICAN, the International Cesarean Awareness Network, is awesome. You can go to their website ican-online.org and there’s a ton of info and local support groups to join. I joined one after experiencing a very traumatic cesarean section and it’s been so helpful in the healing process.

The Dunamas Center does a lot of work with birth trauma.

Merrell Holliman-Carlson: I am a leader of the Ocala Birth Network, we have a FB page and also monthly meetings, we are in Marion County, FL but have several online members who are out of state, we provide information and resources for expectant moms as well as a ‘safe’ outlet for traumatized moms. A lot of us have dealt with unnecesareans and bad inductions, some have VBAC’d and others hope to. You are MORE than welcome!

http://www.humanizebirth.org/ has some resources and you can contact the ladies running the page and have our story added to the campaign as well, there is also a facebook page and group for women to share their stories and talk to others who have been through traumatic birth events as well

BEBA clinic (Ray Castelino)

Babycenter has a “Disappointing Birth Experiences” board….

Online, I recently found the Birth Trauma Association. They’re wonderful! They also have a group on Facebook.

Jamie Bodily: I offer individual sessions in the St. Louis area but no group at this point.

I know Nancy Wainer offers group workshops in the Massachusetts  area. Janel Mirendah also works in group or individually on birth trauma, she did a workshop when she came to do a screening of The Other Side of the Glass.

Yes, Mother to Mother! “Mother to Mother – Postpartum Depression Support St. Louis.  Mother to Mother provides telephone support and encouragement to women with postpartum adjustment disorder (PPAD). Mother to Mother is the only service of its kind in the St. Louis metropolitan area. We serve all women in the state of Missouri and parts of Illinois, free of charge.”

@backline is a great resource. They have a free talkline for birth or miscarriage trauma.

Birthing From Within Birth Story. Listening is amazing.

Birthtalk in Australia!!! They do free group sessions in Australia (Queensland) & personal sessions (also via Skype for international). They are the best

There’s a Birth Crisis group, as well as a CBAC group out there, I know both those group owners and they work hard to keep it safe.

A lady I know who had a stillbirth at 36 weeks is on a site called www.facesofloss.com. “Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope: Putting a face on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.”

Geneviève Prono: I have been helping women heal from a traumatic and difficult birth and prepare for another birth, for twenty years. I do in person and group sessions by skype and am currently writing a book and putting some programs in place. The site in French (apparently google translates it) www.chrysalidefrance.com. What brought me to this three c-sections followed by three VBACs.

Tiffany Hoffman: I do individual birth trauma resolution as well as those who have had difficult or disappointing birth experiences. I have also created a birth trauma workshop, so that women who don’t live here can travel for a weekend intensive to start the healing process. They also learn several ways to continue processing their experience and feelings on their own. My website is www.sacredbirthspace.com

Linda Llone Hinchliffe: Our Birth Choices group offer emotional support to anyone who needs it…

Birth Matters of Fort Wayne, IN offers a Traumatic Birth Healing/Healing for Birth class several times a year. From personal experience – it’s just what my husband and I needed.

There’s a group in Virginia called Mothers Healing Together.

Lexi Abeln: I facilitate a free support group in Camp Hill, PA called Birthlight.

Birth after Caesarean Support and Information Group in Townsville, Queensland, Australia

Canaustralia.net — Empowering birthing women to make informed decisions about childbirth after caesarean

There’s a yoga studio local to me in Pittsburgh, PA that does a traumatic birth workshop.

Precious sleeping angles – group on Facebook

Stillbirth support – group on Facebook

Resources for men

Grieving fathers – group on Facebook

You can also following the two threads I posted on my Facebook profile page and fan page about this for more information or to contact the individuals above who offer counseling.

Do you have a resource you would like to add to the list? Please include it in the comments.