Coping with miscarriage II

by | Jan 16, 2009 | VBAC | 5 comments

Of all the people coming to this site, it is the women who come searching for information on miscarriage and grief that just really break my heart.  There are so many of us, so I wanted to bring attention to what Candice wrote as well as my response.

Candice left this comment:

My husband and I tried to conceive for over two years. We were so excited when we found out on Oct. 21st that I was pregnant. It was amazing how I could have felt so connected so quickly. Obviously, as soon as we found out we told all out family and friends. I began spotting on December 11th and my husband immediately took me to the ER. I knew right away that something was wrong. My husband, trying to convince me and him, continued to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be fine. They did an ultrasound and determined that the baby had stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. At 8.2 weeks, I was told the heartbeat was at 171. It absolutely hurt me more than words can say because it just seemed more real once I knew there was a heartbeat. I couldn’t and still don’t understand why this happened to us. I, like you, still get upset from time to time but try to “cover up” how I really feel for friends and family, even my husband at times. I just feel that he wouldn’t understand and I feel myself trying to pull away from him and I don’t want this to happen. He is my best friend and he has been there for me through everything and I know he wants to be there for me now, I just don’t want him to know how this has truly affected me. We do want to try again but I am so worried that it will happen to us again, that I am beginning to shut down. How do you overcome something like this? My mother-in-law had a miscarriage before she had my husband and she understands but to others it just like “ok, you had a miscarriage, get over it”. I feel so alone even when I am in a crowded room of family members. Thank you for sharing this piece with others. Although, I cried through the entire thing, I really did need to read that. I am very sorry for your loss.


Please know that I’m speaking from the heart and from someone who has been there. Don’t turn away from your husband. He is your partner and it is very likely that he is hurting too. My husband deeply mourned our miscarriage. Men mourn differently than women. Please do not let this divide you. Comfort each other. If he was hurting as deeply as you are, wouldn’t you want him to tell you? Be honest with him about your feelings and fears.

Please be patient with yourself. It has hardly been a month from when you miscarried to when you left this comment. It could take several months for you to get to a place where you can think of it and not cry. And that is ok and completely normal.

Do you have any close friends who you can share this time with? If not, family or even a message board might help you feel less alone during this time. I think if you start to share just a bit amongst friends, you would be surprised how many women have experienced miscarriage. I know, a lot of people don’t understand why it’s “such a big deal.” But, honestly, I didn’t either before I experienced it. I could think about how much it could hurt, but I never knew what it felt like in my heart. Since they haven’t been there, they don’t understand.

When you get pregnant again, you might not feel that excited. You might feel a mixture of subdued happiness and fear. I know I tried to maintain some emotional distance, as much as possible, for the first three months. It is horribly scary to think that it could happen again. There are women all around us who have experienced multiple miscarriages and are still living life through their pain. I would look at women shopping at the store, walking down the street and think that some of those women had to experience miscarriage and that we all shared this pain. It gave me some peace.

This might seem out of left field, but have you looked into a local Holistic Moms or ICAN chapter? I’m certain that you would find others who have not only experienced miscarriage, but could provide you with loads of compassion.

I’m sending you a huge hug Candice. Please go to your husband, hug him, and let him comfort you. This is what we committed to when we married – for better or for worse. This is a hard time. You will survive it. I know it doesn’t feel that way now. You might feel like you will never be happy again. The only thing that will make this better is time. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. I’m wishing you peace.



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  1. Thank you for sharing your experiences ladies. I too experienced the terrible loss of a pregnancy. I have been diabetic since I was five, yet was able to have 2 healthy children. I got pregnant again when my baby was a year and one month old. Everything seemed fine at the two doctor appointments I had. However, at 18 weeks I went to bed with cramps, and woke up bleeding early the next morning. I delivered the baby boy who had passed away at some point inside of me. I asked why it happened, but nobody could tell me. I hadn’t had any problems with my diabetes, and everything seemed to be fine. This was July 2013. I am now 10 weeks pregnant again. I am scared, and feel like every pain could be something wrong. I still mourn for my precious little baby boy who I never got to kiss and hug. I pray that nothing goes wrong with this pregnancy, and look forward to passing that dreaded 18th week. I don’t think I will feel completely at ease until after this baby is born.

  2. I am so sadend to hear these stories. I truely understand the pain you all are going through. I got pregnant last may (2011) and was so excited. I was extremely sick right out of the gate. After my first ultra sound I KNEW something was wrong. The tech told me how big the baby was and I knew the baby was too small for how far along i was. I persisted that something was wrong and no one really listened until we had some blood tests come back that showed abnormalities. I had an amnio done and everything. The short of it all at at 6 months into my pregnancy I had a horrible night. Went to my midwives the next day. She checked for the heart beat and couldnt find one. We knew she (yes it was a girl) was really small so we decided to go for an emergency ultra sound. Thats where they confirmed that she had infact passed that night. I was induced that night at the hospital and the next afternoon I gave birth to a still born, less than 1 pound little girl..Lindsay. Its been 6 months now and I have to say it has not gotten easier. I dont cry every waking hour like I used to but I carry the pain with me every day. The sight of other little girls that should have been her age as well make me teary eyed. I am a new born photographer and let me tell you the first few I did was extremely hard, but I think about why I wanted a child in the first place, because they make me happy!….People say things happen for a reason and I know that she had issues but still…why? why me? I am a healthy 29 year old, very active, eats right and takes care of myself…so why did I have to go through this? Know one can give me that answer but what I do know is that I had a lot of support…even from my husband who longs for his little girl every day! Keep your head up and remember…you got pregnant, so it can happen again.
    Here is hoping you have been able to find some peace and that one day you WILL hold a baby of your own.

    • Alisia,

      Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for everything you have lost.



  3. Ironically me and my girlfriend had two miscarriages back to back. I’m hurting ans she continues to push me away from her and consistently hints at ending the relationship. She told me recently she hated me and insist that she wasted a year and 2months for nothing. Talking about it is irrelevant because she one-sided and is only concerned about her pain and her and not mine. I’ve put my feelings to the back burner to always be there for her however I do not feel that it’s worth it at this point to continue our relationship with her. I will mourn my own way and support her from a distant. You can comfort someone who doesn’t want you around or even near her…God bless all the women out there who allows their man to share the pain with them…

  4. Hey Candace…

    You never get over it. You may move past it, but you never get over it. I have three living children, and had a miscarriage in between each of them. And I still think of both of those as children, and I still think about their expected birthdays.

    My husband would tell you that they were hard on him. Men just don’t handle them like we do.

    After I had my first miscarriage, I thought I was broken. But discovered, as Jen mentioned, that most women have had them. You are so not alone.

    I know it’s hard. I’m thinking good thoughts for you.


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Jen Kamel

Jen Kamel is the founder of VBAC Facts, an educational, training and consulting firm. As a nationally recognized VBAC strategist and consumer advocate, she has been invited to present Grand Rounds at a hospital, served as an expert witness in a legal proceeding, and has traveled the country educating hundreds of professionals and highly motivated parents. Even more have accessed her trainings online. She speaks at national conferences and has worked as a legislative consultant in various states focusing on midwifery legislation and regulations. She has testified multiple times in front of the California Medical Board and legislative committees on the importance of VBAC access and is the Secretary for the California Association of Midwives and the California Association of Licensed Midwives. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is peanut butter chocolate. And mint chip. And coffee.

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