Coping with miscarriage II
Of all the people coming to this site, it is the women who come searching for information on miscarriage and grief that just really break my heart. There are so many of us, so I wanted to bring attention to what Candice wrote as well as my response.
Candice left this comment:
My husband and I tried to conceive for over two years. We were so excited when we found out on Oct. 21st that I was pregnant. It was amazing how I could have felt so connected so quickly. Obviously, as soon as we found out we told all out family and friends. I began spotting on December 11th and my husband immediately took me to the ER. I knew right away that something was wrong. My husband, trying to convince me and him, continued to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be fine. They did an ultrasound and determined that the baby had stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. At 8.2 weeks, I was told the heartbeat was at 171. It absolutely hurt me more than words can say because it just seemed more real once I knew there was a heartbeat. I couldn’t and still don’t understand why this happened to us. I, like you, still get upset from time to time but try to “cover up” how I really feel for friends and family, even my husband at times. I just feel that he wouldn’t understand and I feel myself trying to pull away from him and I don’t want this to happen. He is my best friend and he has been there for me through everything and I know he wants to be there for me now, I just don’t want him to know how this has truly affected me. We do want to try again but I am so worried that it will happen to us again, that I am beginning to shut down. How do you overcome something like this? My mother-in-law had a miscarriage before she had my husband and she understands but to others it just like “ok, you had a miscarriage, get over it”. I feel so alone even when I am in a crowded room of family members. Thank you for sharing this piece with others. Although, I cried through the entire thing, I really did need to read that. I am very sorry for your loss.
Please know that I’m speaking from the heart and from someone who has been there. Don’t turn away from your husband. He is your partner and it is very likely that he is hurting too. My husband deeply mourned our miscarriage. Men mourn differently than women. Please do not let this divide you. Comfort each other. If he was hurting as deeply as you are, wouldn’t you want him to tell you? Be honest with him about your feelings and fears.
Please be patient with yourself. It has hardly been a month from when you miscarried to when you left this comment. It could take several months for you to get to a place where you can think of it and not cry. And that is ok and completely normal.
Do you have any close friends who you can share this time with? If not, family or even a message board might help you feel less alone during this time. I think if you start to share just a bit amongst friends, you would be surprised how many women have experienced miscarriage. I know, a lot of people don’t understand why it’s “such a big deal.” But, honestly, I didn’t either before I experienced it. I could think about how much it could hurt, but I never knew what it felt like in my heart. Since they haven’t been there, they don’t understand.
When you get pregnant again, you might not feel that excited. You might feel a mixture of subdued happiness and fear. I know I tried to maintain some emotional distance, as much as possible, for the first three months. It is horribly scary to think that it could happen again. There are women all around us who have experienced multiple miscarriages and are still living life through their pain. I would look at women shopping at the store, walking down the street and think that some of those women had to experience miscarriage and that we all shared this pain. It gave me some peace.
This might seem out of left field, but have you looked into a local Holistic Moms or ICAN chapter? I’m certain that you would find others who have not only experienced miscarriage, but could provide you with loads of compassion.
I’m sending you a huge hug Candice. Please go to your husband, hug him, and let him comfort you. This is what we committed to when we married – for better or for worse. This is a hard time. You will survive it. I know it doesn’t feel that way now. You might feel like you will never be happy again. The only thing that will make this better is time. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. I’m wishing you peace.
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Jen Kamel is the founder of VBAC Facts, an educational, training and consulting firm. As a nationally recognized VBAC strategist and consumer advocate, she has been invited to present Grand Rounds at a hospital, served as an expert witness in a legal proceeding, and has traveled the country educating hundreds of professionals and highly motivated parents. Even more have accessed her trainings online. She speaks at national conferences and has worked as a legislative consultant in various states focusing on midwifery legislation and regulations. She has testified multiple times in front of the California Medical Board and legislative committees on the importance of VBAC access and is the Secretary for the California Association of Midwives and the California Association of Licensed Midwives. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is peanut butter chocolate. And mint chip. And coffee.